Getting Through Thanksgiving with Misophonia

This post is written for people with misophonia, a condition in which a person has an automatic, sometimes intensely unpleasant internal reaction to specific sounds.  Sounds that lead to this reaction are typically sounds from everyday life, such as others’ chewing food/gum, sniffling, or heavy breathing. For people with misophonia who struggle with eating-related sounds, holidays such as Thanksgiving can be a real challenge.  In addition to sit-down dinners, many people tend to “graze” between meals, so the chewing can be almost constant.  This can be really difficult. Many people with misophonia cope with the distress of being triggered by the sound of eating by leaving the situation or avoiding eating with others entirely. However, during the holidays this means that we are isolated from gatherings of friends and family that are commonplace.

In light of this, I thought I’d share a few “tips” on surviving the upcoming holiday season when living with misophonia:

Things do to before you spend time with family:

  • Identify your values. Make a list of the family members with which you are most likely to see and/or those that you’ve been triggered by in the past.  Think about what is important to you about how you treat each person and write a sentence next to each name for how you’d like to act toward them. For instance, as a person with misophonia, my step-dad tends to trigger me when we share a meal together.  I know that what is important to me is treating him with respect, understanding, and kindness; when I do this I am being the daughter that I want to be.  It’s helpful to know that ahead of time so that when I feel triggered by him, I can consider how I want to respond rather than making angry comments. Remembering my value of being understanding allows me to respond in a way that is more accepting and gentle rather than judging him or assuming that he doesn’t care.
  • Practice acceptance. It’s very likely you will be triggered. Some people with misophonia have pretty constant anticipatory anxiety, meaning that they are anxiously scanning the environment while waiting for a trigger to happen.  This anticipatory anxiety can mean that we suffer more – since we suffer in waiting for the trigger and once the trigger has occurred.  Rather than scanning the environment for trigger sounds, accept that you will be triggered and know that you have control over how you respond.  Practice being in the present moment, rather than off in a future that hasn’t happened yet. For example, if you notice yourself anticipating that someone will start chewing again, you might label it as a thought, and bring your attention to things that are happening in the present, such as the sound of people talking around you, the faint sounds of music in the background, or the smell of pies baking in the oven.
  • Be mindful. Practice mindful breathing as a means of centering and grounding yourself.  The wonderful secondary effect one can get from mindfulness in general is a sense of calm and relaxation.  Your breath is a powerful tool that you carry around with you each day; it only needs you to engage it to begin to affect change in the moment.  The more we practice being mindful, the more skilled we are at focusing our attention on that which we choose.
  • Retire the “manners police.” A colleague of mine talks about how people with misophonia can sometimes slip into being the “manners police”.  Generally, once we are triggered we have judgmental thoughts about the person making the noise (for example, “Do they have to eat like that?” or “Didn’t anybody teach you to chew with your mouth closed?”); sometimes we verbalize these thoughts and sometimes not.  However, buying into those thoughts reinforces the idea that we are right and the other is wrong rather than it being about preference or opinion.  What I find helpful is to reframe the judgment into a statement of facts and consequences (“My opinion is that others should chew with their mouths closed.  This person is not closing their mouth when they chew and as a result I feel disturbed.”)  This tends to help me focus on what I can do vs. what they should do.

Things to do while spending time with family:

  • Practice mindful breathing.  Expand your mindfulness to that which is happening around you.  Notice sounds, smells, tastes, sights, and that which you can touch.  The nice thing about the holidays is that there are usually many sights, sounds, and tastes to behold.
  • Take a break. If you notice being triggered consider stepping outside and mindfully noticing the environment around you.  See if you can just observe the different ways your senses are being stimulated.
  • Do something that does not involve eating. Engage in an activity that does not require eating or around which eating would be difficult (e.g., board games, charades, knitting, coloring, etc.) and invite others to join you.  If needed, retreat to a more quiet area to engage in the activity.
  • Shift your attention. Offer to help with something that requires attention and focus and allows you a temporary break from trigger noises (e.g., help out with washing dishes-provided clanking dishes is not a trigger, take the dog for a walk, help with cooking).  It can be helpful to pour our energy into an activity and being of service, for some, can elicit positive emotion.
  • Stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system. When feeling particularly triggered, take a moment to go to the bathroom and splash very cold water on your face and if possible, hold a cold compress (wet washcloth with cold water, ice pack or bag of peas from the freezer, for example) over your eyes for about 15-20 seconds.  This helps to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which in turn, creates a sense of calm in the body.  The effect is increased by standing up and bending over (as you might do at a sink) and holding your breath.  If you are using a cold compress, try standing, bending over, and holding your breath for 15-20 seconds.  I know this sounds weird, but it works! The effect of this strategy only lasts a short time, so once you feel calmer, it may help to use some of the other strategies listed above.
  • Practice self-compassion. Last, but not least:  practice being self-compassionate, especially for any internal experiences, such as feelings of rage or anxiety and judgment thoughts about others.  These are highly uncomfortable and normal responses to trigger sounds.  Remember, while you don’t get to choose how you feel inside once triggered, you do get to choose how you respond.  And if you happen to react in a way that doesn’t sit well with you, it’s even more important to be kind to yourself.  At times, I still react poorly to being triggered, and that provides me an opportunity to be understanding and validating of myself.

Home for the holidays—Tips for surviving the holidays with relationships intact.

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

                          — Dr. Seuss

The winter holidays are quickly approaching. For many, it’s a time of celebration and excitement. And, for many, it’s also a time of stress and pressure that can take a toll on us and our relationships. There’s party schedules to be juggled, travel plans to be made, gift lists to be fulfilled, meals to be planned, budgets to be watched, and family visits to be navigated. Sometimes “Home for the holidays” isn’t quite the Rockwellesque scene we might hope for. And if you happen to live in a place like where we are, here in the Pacific Northwest, at this time of the year you may become acutely reminded that all the luscious green nature we so cherish here does come at a cost, a very wet and dreary cost. None of this makes getting through the holidays any easier.  And often it’s our relationships that take brunt of all this holiday stress.

So it’s no wonder that the holidays can prove to be a difficult time for our relationships. Many of us just try to survive the holidays with our relationships intact. However, what if it were possible for our relationships to not just “survive” this stressful time of the year, but to actually grow and deepen? What would it be like if we put at least as much thought into how we are going to nurture our relationships during this time of the year as we do figuring out what gifts to get little Joey?

For those who are in committed relationships, or even if you’re just starting a new dating relationship, here are a few tips for helping to grow and strengthen your relationship even during this busy time of the year.

  1. Practice gratitude for each other—Many traditions this time of year involve doing something every day in anticipation of the big holiday. Whether that be singing Ma’oz Tzur every night, opening the Advent calendar, or lighting the Diwali candles, setting aside time each day for rituals can be a meaningful part of the season. How about  creating your own ritual of sharing your gratitude for your loved one each day. Choose a time each day where you and your loved one take a few moments to share one thing you truly appreciate about your partner. See if you can focus on qualities you appreciate in your loved one, not just things they do.
  2. Make time for each other—This one seems pretty basic, I know, but this can be an especially busy time of the year and your relationship can get lost in the shuffle. Be sure you also make time to be just with each other, away from kids, coworkers, in-laws, and definitely the heaving masses at the mall. Carving out a bit of quality time to reconnect with a partner can be especially important if you’re traveling or visiting family over the holidays. When you’re visiting the family, make time to go out for a walk alone with your partner or sit on the porch having a cup of tea together away from the hustle and bustle of the family gathering. It will be a time to recenter and reconnect.
  3. Have a huddle—There are lots of gatherings at this time of the year, family get-togethers, office parties, social gatherings with friends. These gatherings can be both fun and stressful. Before you and your partner go into one of these gatherings, take just a few moments beforehand to have a brief “huddle” together. You can share if there is anything you are hoping for about the gathering or anything you are concerned about. But most of all, it’s a time to remind each of you that you’re on the same team and that you’re there for each other. That way, when you’re feeling trapped in the corner talking politics with Uncle Bob AGAIN, at least you’ll know that your partner is with you in spirit, even if at the moment he’s across the room running interference between Aunt Betty and Grandma May.

Those are a few ideas to hopefully make this season even more meaningful for you and your loved one.

And if you’re looking for  more resources, I’ve also pulled together some other relationship resources here.